While there’s no one correct way to be a parent, there are innumerable ways to avoid. But how do we differentiate between personal preferences and choices that put children at risk? For the purposes of this post, we’re not talking about apparent neglect or abuse. The spotlight here is being shone on that gray area in which we’re unsure what to say, if anything at all.
Talking about something so personal is almost guaranteed to ruffle feathers, to say the least. This highlights a potentially moral dilemma. What are our obligations within our community, and are there boundaries we should not cross?
Common Red Flags to Watch For
Again, the line between preference and need can get blurry. That said, some parenting choices should raise alarms and warrant a closer examination. For example:
Patently favoring one child over another
The parent is consistently setting a bad behavioral example
Overly pampering a child
Overly controlling a child
Not respecting a child’s boundaries
Neglecting a child’s basic needs
The presence of red flags like this should not be ignored. But what can you do?
What to Do If Your Friend’s Parenting Is Difficult to Watch
Check yourself first. Are you judging a parent simply because their approach is different from yours? Are they overwhelmed or inexperienced but perhaps unwilling to ask for help? If you want to speak up and maintain your friendship with the parent in question, resist being impulsive. A great starting point is a private, face-to-face conversation.
Set Up a Time to Talk: You’ll not want the kids to be anywhere around. Also, make sure that you have sufficient time to tackle a topic as complex as this.
Offer Help: Ask them if they need a hand and how you can help. If they seem receptive, suggest resources like classes or support groups.
Share Your Journey: Gently introduce the struggles you’ve faced while sharing solutions that’ve worked for you.
Don’t Forget the Positive Feedback: Don’t turn the conversation into a laundry list of observations and judgments. Tell them what you like about them and about their parenting style.
Ask About Their Child: If you’ve seen something that gives you pause, find a way to talk about what you’ve seen and how it makes you feel.
Be Prepared to Not Respond to Defensiveness: It’s practically guaranteed that anyone whose parenting skills are questioned will become defensive. Their responses may get personal. Commit in advance to not taking the bait and to staying focused on the points you need to make.
Recognize How Far You Can Go: Unless the issues involve abuse or neglect, there’s only so much you can initially do about your friend’s decision-making.
Other Options and Approaches
If the suggestions above don’t seem to make a difference, but you still genuinely care about your friend’s children, you can consider a more assertive level of intervention. This could involve talking with other people in your friend’s life and finding out what they see. If they agree with your assessment, it could be a game-changer to approach the situation as a group.
Of importance is the possible impact of your pushing forward on this topic. You could lose a friend. If you have kids and they are friends with this parent’s children, there’s more potential for collateral damage. You’ll need to step back, conduct a comprehensive assessment, and perform a cost-benefit analysis.
Ideally, you can compassionately guide your friend to try family therapy. Sharing more information with them about what to expect in family therapy can be helpful and motivate them to give it a try.
